De-escalate � reducing the level of intimacy or commitment in a relationship because of shortcomings or incompatibility.
Managing a relationship breakup is an important skill to have.
Couples are more likely to stay together when they:
������ - are in equitable relationships
������ - are committed
������ - have many similarities and interests
������ - find the relationship rewarding
������ - develop a sense of we-ness or bonding
������ - develop a life together as a couple
������ - facilitate growth toward the �ideal self�
������ - have important person approval
������ - utilize effective (active) listening
������
Table 11.1 Factors Contributing to the Ending of a Relationship p.317
Relationship Deterioration
Relationship deterioration refers to the weakening of bonds that hold people together.� The process may be gradual or sudden.� Keep in mind, just because you may enter a stage of deterioration does not mean the relationship is inevitably going to end.� You can turn the ship around at any point with relationship repair.
Stages of Coming Apart:
Differentiating � �Love me as I am.� Because I�m not going to change.�� Intrapsychic phase � a person reflects on the quality of the relationship; comparing the relationship to others, and comparing relationship partners to potential partners.� This stage becomes the catalyst for further deterioration if one or both partners continue to take a stand and make change impossible; altering their behavior inconceivable.� Often one or both partners have the unrealistic idea that relationships should not be work.� They should just happen.
Purpose � reestablish self within the relationship; demand to be recognized; often occurs at first sign of major stress.
Communication � focus on differences; conflict becomes more frequent and less constructive.
������ Circumscribing � �Let�s force this relationship.�
Purpose � first stage of relationship decline; strained relationship.
Communication � decrease in the quality and quantity; decrease in commitment talk; public face-saving (pretending that nothing is wrong.)
Stagnating � �Our relationship isn�t going anywhere.�
Purpose � remain motionless; avoid the pain of breaking up.
Communication � covert, hidden dialogue; passive aggressive behaviors arise, decrease in talking about the relationship (meta-relationship talk.)
������ Avoiding � �Let�s cool it for a while.�
Purpose � physical or psychological separation; reduced interest and energy toward relationship
Communication � little or no communication, ignoring or blunt talk, antagonism or unfriendliness.
Terminating aka dissolution � �We�re history.� Goodbye.�� This is the equivalent of a divorce.� Grave-dressing phase � the relationship is �dead�; each participant is likely to �dress up� the grave by promoting a positive image of his or her role in the relationship.
Purpose � dissociation from other; justification in decision to part ways
Communication� - �We� changes to �I� � plural changes to singular (inclusive to exclusive � �you�, �me� not �us�, �we�; total emphasis on self and differences; decreased access.
Ideal approach � signal supportiveness for other; create rules for access.
Common Reasons for Relational Break-ups:� women are more likely to initiate break-up, observe problems, and express needs to end the relationship.
1. breakdowns in communication
2. incompatible interests and goals
3. sexual incompatibility (men see sex as the path to intimacy; women see intimacy as the path to sex.)
4. infidelity
5. boredom with relationship
6. money
7. conflicts about children
8. alcohol or drug abuse
9. women�s equality issues
10. in-laws
Relationship Repair
Relationship repair is optional.� Relationship repair often involves commitment and work by both parties involved and hence is often ignored.
Phases of relationship repair:
1. Identify the problem - analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving your relationship difficulties.
2. Empathize.� It is crucial for you to try to see the problem from your partner�s point of view.
3. Utilize active listening skills.
4. Use �I� language.� Own your feelings and thoughts; use �I� statements; engage in active listening behaviors; use affirmation behaviors.
5. Discuss possible solutions that enable both of you to win.
6. Negotiate a new agreement and new acceptable behaviors until there is consensus.
7. Integrate solutions into behavior. �Follow through on the agreement; make necessary changes in behavior.
8. Increase quality time together.
Dealing with a Breakup:
Break the loneliness-depression cycle � loneliness and depression are the two most common feelings experienced after a breakup. �Try to understand that these feelings are temporary and will pass.� But make sure you grieve the relationship and psychologically put it to rest.
Take time out � resist temptations to jump into a new relationship right away.� Take time out for yourself; get to know yourself again.
Bolster self-esteem � when relationships fail, self-esteem often declines.� Engage in activities that help your self-esteem. i.e. sports, music, drama, club
Remove or avoid relationship memorabilia � these things just make you re-live the past.� If you are to move forward, you need to let it go.� First achieve emotional distance, then, you can remember again.
Seek support � try not to seek advice unless it is from a professional.� Support, you can receive from any trusted confidant.
See p. 328 Table 11.3 Reasons Cited For Relational Disengagement
�
See p. 330 Table 11.4 Disengagement Themes
See p.334 Table 11.5 Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
See p. 335 Table 11.6 Examples of How a Partner Tries To Gain Power and Control in a Dating Relationship
See p. 346 Coping With a Breakup � Common Reactions
See p. 350 Figure 11.3 Adjustment Stages:
- Trauma � the break up itself; shock; numbness; overwhelmed
- Outcry � panic; despair; hopelessness; exhaustion
- Denial � avoids others; cuts off from others to be alone
- Intrusion � flooded states in which the person cannot think about anything but the relationship
- Working Through
������ - Completion
������ - Identity Change